


if you believe in me i'll still believe

by maraudering



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-05
Updated: 2012-12-05
Packaged: 2017-11-20 09:03:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/583602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maraudering/pseuds/maraudering
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was him.  Her husband, who she spent so much time with but rarely spoke of.  The husband no one had ever seen.  Until today.</p>
            </blockquote>





	if you believe in me i'll still believe

They knew.

They all knew.

He stood in the back of the hall, eyes bright with unshed tears, silent, unwavering. And they all knew who he was.

It was him. Her husband, who she spent so much time with but rarely spoke of. The husband no one had ever seen. Until today.

The wall drew his shoulders toward it, providing the support he couldn’t give himself. Voices buzzed around the room. He was impervious to the sound, and the curious glances, and anything that isn’t River. His mind wanders, across all of time and space. He wonders if this is the end.

It had been so long, so very long, since Darillium. He had waited, hoping that maybe she would pop into the TARDIS one last time and they would go whizzing off into the universe, in search of adventure.

She hadn’t come. 

His calculations had been perfect. Darillium had been the end for both of them, before River had inevitably gone to the Library. He forced his eyes shut. Glimpses of the pain flooding her eyes as she realised that he didn’t know her pounded through his mind. That was happening now, somewhere, sometime. She was sacrificing herself, so they could have each other. And he could do nothing.

All of the things resting at his fingertips, and he couldn’t save her.

He took a deep breath and raised his head as a man approached the podium and cleared his throat.

“Today, we have gathered to honour the memory of Professor River Song…”  
Professor. The word that had haunted every encounter with her. Every time she had introduced herself as Professor his hearts had constricted. She had been one step closer to the Library. He had been one step closer to losing her. Now it was the end. He had lost her, finally.

She crashed through his head. Those damning curls that he had never seen the match of. Those hips that slotted perfectly against his. Those fingers splayed across his back. Those lips caressing his jaw. 

That voice, curling perfectly around his name. That smell, the essence of time and beauty and River.

Those heartbeats, nestled against his as she pressed against him.

The gun, the lipstick.

The nickname.

He dragged a hand across his face. After all this time. She still taunted him, just out of reach. He couldn’t bear to forget her. Every time he stumbled across one of her dresses in the TARDIS, another hole ripped into his hearts. Her diary still rested on the side of his bed, temptation and pain and excitement and sorrow all rolled into one. Reminders of her. Too agonising to keep, too agonising to throw away.

It was too much.

This… This was accepting she was gone. Forever.

He couldn’t do that, not yet.

Pushing off the wall, he turned to leave. In his haste, he almost ran into a woman approaching him from the side.

“Hello,” she murmured.

He didn’t respond. The woman looked up at him, glancing away just as fast. He wondered what he looked like. All of his emotions surging through his eyes. He supposed he looked his age.

“My name’s Astrid, I was friends wi- with- with River.” She gulped and closed her eyes briefly, struggling to keep her composure. He felt a brief burst of compassion for her. She had known River. She felt some measure of the pain he felt in her absence. More than the others in this room, at least.

“Sorry,” she said. “River told me… She gave me this.” Astrid raised a folded piece of paper. “For you.”

His eyes widened and he snatched the paper from her grasp. It crinkled between his fingers. He stared. River. A last message. Their last adventure.

Fingers shaking, he unfolded the paper. Neat Gallifreyan dotted the page. He sighed. His River.

_Sweetie,_

_If you’re reading it, then you’ve finally made it to my funeral. How many centuries has it been since you last saw me? Not too many I hope, but you were always a coward._

He couldn’t help but smile through the tears building in his eyes.

_Have you told your new companion about me? You should, you know. It will help. Then she won’t ask about my things in the TARDIS. You shouldn’t keep them, you sentimental idiot. I know you will, though. So it never has to end._

_I miss you. I didn’t realise quite how much until we went to the Singing Towers.  
Younger you is a lot of fun, but I miss having you. And now I guess I know why you were so hesitant to trust me. You knew how I was going to die all along, didn’t you? I guessed as much, over the years. It never really sunk in until I started meeting the younger versions of you. You weren’t as good at hiding your thoughts, back then. I could read you like a book._

_This is goodbye, then, I suppose. For both of us, now. Definitely. I know you got to say goodbye at Darillium but I didn’t understand. No, I just didn’t want to understand. I didn’t want to believe that this was ever going to end. My Doctor. What would I ever do without you? Of course, now it’s you that has to go on without me._

_I wish you could say something back. I wish I could be there with you. But if I was, you wouldn’t need me, would you? Not like you do now. You wouldn’t be upset. You’d be dashing around with a companion, showing off, saving planets. Not stuck at a funeral. If they knew you, they’d know how wrong it would be._

_Doctor, don’t travel alone. Ever. It’s not good for you. If you don’t have a companion now, go and find one as soon as you finish reading. And keep my diary. Read it. Don’t forget about us. But don’t shut yourself off. Don’t let your pain take over any more. I remember what you were like after Amy and Rory. I’m probably too late with this, but this isn’t your fault. Don’t blame yourself. And don’t carry the guilt with you. Please, Doctor, promise me._

“I promise,” he murmured to the paper. He wiped away the tears rolling down his cheeks. “The things you make me do, River Song.”

_I love you, sweetie. Don’t forget that. Always and completely, I love you. Goodbye, Doctor._

The end.

Complete.

Irreversible.

Legs trembled. Stomach turned. Heartbeats slowed.

Gone.

Sliding down. Crouching. Shoulders shaking. Sobs, racking his chest.

River.

Minutes, hours, days. Any number could have passed when he rose. Astrid was still standing beside him, torn between giving comfort and running away. He struggled to his feet.

“Thank you,” he muttered, voice hoarse. He pressed his lips to her forehead gently.  
He couldn’t bear to remain in that room. Escaping into the cool air of the corridor, he returned to the TARDIS. He leant against the console.

“It’s all over now, old girl,” he sighed. “That’s the end of our story.”

The TARDIS hummed, echoing his pain. Silence reverberated between them until a head of brown hair bounced down the stairs.

“Morning, Doctor,” she said. “Off on another adventure today?”

“When don’t we have an adventure, Margaret?”

She frowned. “Are you okay? You seem… different.”

“I’m fine,” he replied, forcing a wide smile. “I’m always fine.”

He has to be fine. He promised his wife.


End file.
